


Do I Have To Fall Asleep With Roses In My Hand?

by Candeecake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Grief/Mourning, Love Confessions, M/M, Sad, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:41:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27425896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Candeecake/pseuds/Candeecake
Summary: SPOILERS FOR 15.19 of Supernatural-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dean picks himself off the floor, drowning in unspoken words, regret and grief. How does he move forward?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	Do I Have To Fall Asleep With Roses In My Hand?

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for 15.19
> 
> I am utterly destroyed after that episode. I wish Cas could have had his ending in the finale. This is a very sad fic with my emotions.
> 
> Titles from Dreaming With A Broken Heart By John Mayer
> 
> For Sarah/Bree
> 
> Castiel and Destiel forever.

_ “He’s gone.” _

_ “He’s gone. Sammy.” _

_ “Cas is dead-the empty took him.” _

Dean couldn’t remember when he picked himself off the floor. Or ended the phone call. Cas’s blood crackled on his jacket. The bunker was empty, the lingering tears paused in the silence. He was reliving the darkness drowning Death and Cas. The thick glistening shadows that engulfed them. Cas was taken like he was nothing. His final words resonate in his bones. Swam in his blood, the echo of his goodbye. Dean stood up, wiping the tears away. He gulped, afraid to admit that he was afraid. Doubt circulated in his stomach, heavy dread pulling him down.

Dean felt his mouth quiver, ready to scream or sob. He shut his mouth, straightening his body. Slowly, he put his phone in his pocket and began to work.

_ Everyone was gone. _

He should have told Castiel how he felt. When Castiel showered him with the unwanted vindication of his feelings, Dean felt trapped. His heart was beating faster, threatening to explode. Castiel with tears in his eyes, showing more human emotion than Dean ever had. He should have told Cas how he felt.

_ He should have told Cas that he loved him.  _

That whenever he was near, Dean felt unworthy to stand in the presence of a beautiful being. Dean had watched Cas for years, wanting him. He wanted to love him, wanted chick flick moments. Dean wanted to kiss him breathlessly, to show him what he could do. Dean wanted to save him, protect him. To the end of time, to the end of the universe. And  _ he couldn’t do it. _

Dean grabbed some weapons, texting that he would meet Sam and Jack. Tears sprinkled onto his phone screen. Walking out of the bunker, he took one last look where Cas had stood. He let a stream of tears waver down his cheek before he shut the door.

Dean was angry, he was ready to fight God. Dean was angry, he would make this right and bring him back. Dean was angry that Cas’s blood was him (Literally and Figuratively). He couldn’t bear to take off Cas’s handprint on his jacket.

He walked through the bunker, ignoring the sudden memories rising. He ran through the kitchen, trying to focus on anything but Cas. 

_ Castiel is dead. _

_ The man I loved is dead. _

_ Cas is dead. _

Dean felt his knees give out, falling to the ground. His arms dropped the weapons and the wall he made to block out his grief. He laid his head against the wall. Dean stared at his hands, trying to find any essence of Cas’s touch. His glossy eyes blurred his vision. Dean clutched his hands tight, almost drawing blood with his hands. Finally, he let go.

The anger, the undying flames of rage. Of everything he wished he could have had, the hate, the things he couldn’t control. The flooding regret and grief poured over him in an instant. He wished that the empty could take him right now. Drown him in darkness, so he wouldn’t have to think or feel. So he could lay in darkness with Cas.

Sobs and waves of exhaustion overcame his body. His body couldn’t stop shaking in the dim kitchen light. Dean’s hands were covered in grief and tremored. Getting a drink was out of the option. It would take a million drinks to ignore the imagined taste of Cas’s lips.

“Dean.” Dean looked around, trying to stop his grief from ending him. He laid back to the wall, relaxing slightly. “Dean.” His eyes shifted to the voice.

“Cas-” He sobbed out, finding Castiel by his side. Cas was divinely beautiful. His trenchcoat trailed behind him. His blue eyes posed a calm before the storm. Castiel smiled sadly, bending down to touch Dean. He wiped away some of his tears, cupping his chin. The touch felt heavenly, Dean surrendered to it.

“Please, keep fighting. I need you to fight one last time.”

“Is that really you?” Dean asked, staring at him.

“I always come when you call,” Cas smiled tenderly, standing up. He held out a hand, Dean grabbed it. The grip was tight, Cas’s hand felt like flesh.  _ He was real.  _

_ Cas was real _

_ Cas was alive. _

“How?”

“I’m doing this for you Dean, I’m doing this because of you.” 

“How are you here? I saw the empty take you.”

“I will watch you. You have to keep fighting.”

“Cas?” Dean asked, concerned, starting to knit in his stomach.

“I’m so sorry Dean,” Castiel said, a wave of remorse washing over him. Dean felt unwanted realization claw into him. He wasn't here. Everything Cas had been saying what in the past. Every bad day and every good day. He wasn’t real, he was who Dean wanted him to be.

“You’re not here,” Dean said blankly, his heart ripping apart. Castiel smiled sadly once again, gazing at Dean.

“Dean-” 

“You were the only reason I kept fighting. I thought that after we finished everything. I could make the choice to be with you. I thought that my love for you was Chuck’s plan. I know it wasn’t. Because even he couldn’t make me feel that much pain. I-I need you to know that I was fighting for my choice to be with you. “ Dean said solemnly, letting everything unspoken be said. 

Dean gazed into Castiel’s eyes, grabbing Cas’s trench coat. The fabric felt real, but Dean could feel it slipping. He focused on Cas, feeling his heart flutter helplessly before it dropped in his chest from heartbreak.

“I love you. I wish I told you sooner. I could have but I was too scared, I couldn’t fight my own demons. And now I lost you. It’s not fair-Cas, it’s not fair-”

Dean’s voice began to break, he mumbled to himself over and over again. Dean fell back to the ground, stripped of every hope and happiness he ever had. His hand let go of Cas, releasing the desire him being beside him go.

“Dean, I need you to keep fighting. You mean too much to me.”

“So did you-do you think if I save the world, someone out there will bring you back to me?”

“Goodbye Dean, I love you,” Castiel said, pressing his lips to Dean. Dean closed his eyes, knowing Cas was gone. It was all in his head. His lips were frozen, a mist in the air, and fake. Dean slowly opened his eyes, finding himself alone. He would keep fighting, no matter the cost. Castiel died to save them all, that’s what they were fucking going to do. Dean gathered himself, placed his ocean of grief and tears behind him. He would drown later. Dean placed a hand on Cas’s bloodied handprint. He took a deep breath and walked out the door. He carried weapons and a small flame. He hoped the flame would grow, the fight would return. He carried Cas with him. His lingering shadow and touch on his skin. The painful and good memories. And the undying hope that Dean could get something for everything he has ever done. He would get Castiel back. 

For now, he was gone.

Cas is gone

However, Dean was not...he was fighting, he was always fighting.


End file.
